


What keeps me alive

by thegirlwithnofreckles



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Croatoan/Endverse, Anger, Angry Sex, Apocalypse, Camp, Croatoans, Dark Dean Winchester, Episode: s05e04 The End, Hurt Castiel, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, M/M, Protective Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-27
Updated: 2013-07-29
Packaged: 2017-12-21 12:37:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/900395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegirlwithnofreckles/pseuds/thegirlwithnofreckles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's 2014. Dean is lost and empty. He finds hope where he thought he never would. Cas is desperate and painfully in love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You are only mine

Dean woke up in panic. For a second he forgot where he was, or what he was doing. He sat up and looked around his cabin. Everything was the same as yesterday.

He sighed and got up. He really didn't want to sleep anymore. When he got out he saw the campers- his campers- having breakfast. People were trying to smile, to forget what happened yesterday, how they lost five men. They were used to it now. Dying wasn't a big deal anymore. But Dean knew that wasn't true.

"They are trying you know." Dean turned to face Chuck. After everything they have been through, Chuck was still here. Still had hope, still believing in Dean."Hide away the pain and go on" Chuck continued.

"That's my line" Dean said. He remembered when he said that line for the first time. It was a week after Sam said yes. When Dean heard he felt like he was dying. He knew it was over then. He knew this couldn't be fixed. And it was all his fault. He hated himself, he hated Sam, he hated Cas.

"I know that moron. But remember I'm still your prophet. That means I know everything you do, everything you say-" Chuck stopped. He saw Dean's face. He immediately took a step back. He knew that he crossed a line.

Dean tried to stay calm. Chuk knew that Dean was fucking Cas? Chuck knew what he was doing? That was bad. But somehow he didn't care. He was so numb. He forced a smile and turned his back to Chuck and walked away. He stopped in front of Cas' cabin. After yesterdays disaster he needed some time off. He needed Cas. He didn't even knock the door. He just walked in. 

Cas wasn't alone. There was a girl in the bed with him. She was on top of Cas and naked of course. Dean could swear before he walked in, they were having a really rough sex. Cas looked at Dean and stoped. The girl wasn't so surprised. Dean looked at her and she got out of the bed, leaving a naked Cas there.

"Get out" Dean said simply as she picked up her clothes. She left without saying anything. Dean started to strip his clothes. Cas looked at him warily. "What?" Dean asked like nothing happened.

"I was having fun. But you had to ruin it didn't you?" Cas mocked. He looked serious though.

"Haven't you heard? You are not allowed to have fun with someone else" Dean said. Warning in his voice. He grabbed the lube and bent Cas over. Slapped him hard. Cas sighed.

"Just get it over with" he mumbled as Dean placed a finger in him. He moaned and leaned into touch. Dean put his other arn around his waist to keep him steady. Then he put second finger in and started scissoring. He was painfully hard. He couldn't wait any longer. He replaced his fingers with his cock. Cas' body tensed but Dean didn't care. Started moving.

"Oh, fuck Dean" Cas moaned, clearly enjoying his position.

"I AM fucking" Dean joked and slapped him again. Cas didn't make any noise. Dean wanted to hear Cas shout his name. He slapped him again. Cas made a pained noise and Dean grinned. He could see Cas was close. He wrapped a hand around his cock and started pumping. Cas was shaking now he was so close.

"Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean!" was all Cas could say. Dean grinned again and stroked him roughly. "Oh, shit Dean, Oh GOD" 

Cas was coming now and Dean followed him. He pumped Cas through his orgasm. They were both gasping for air. Dean shut his eyes and placed his forehead to Cas' small back. Then Dean got up and pick up his clothes. Cas looking at him. This is how they were. Dean coming in without knocking. Undressing Cas- If necessary- fucking him and then poof! He was gone again. Cas sighed as Dean finished his dressing.

"Get your lazy ass out of bed. We have a works to do." Dean said and left the cabin. He felt better now. He felt alive again. Ever since Sam was gone Dean never felt like himself again. Never felt like the man he once was. Never felt like the way he felt back then. He was empty and lost. But those few minutes with Cas was enough to get him through the day. He didn't care what others thought of him. Hell, he didn' even care how Cas was feeling about this. Maybe he hated him. Dean really didn't want to think about that.

He walked torwards Chuck and Risa. "Get the group ready for a run. We are running out of bread and clean water. And beer too of course" Dean said his was still a little breathless. "We are leaving in ten minutes"

Chuck nodded and walked away. Risa just stood there and watched Dean. Her eyes were daring and hungry."So... You have anything to do tonight?" she asked.

"Yes" Dean said simply and left her alone, standing. He went to his cabin and grabbed his gun. He still had the demon blade-thank God- and finally silver knife. You can never be too careful right?

He got out to meet the others. They were waiting for him. Cas was finally out of his bed. He looked tired but ready. He had a shotgun, and his angel blade. He wasn't angel anymore-again, Dean's fault- but he had his angel blade. Just in case. Besides, it worked on demons too. Which was awesome. He looked at Dean and nodded. they were ready.

"Okay, Cas, Raul, Steve and Chuck. You are coming with me. Greg, Cathrine, Don and Joaquin. You go with Risa." He ordered and they walked to their cars. Impala was thresh now. Soon after Sam was gone Dean ditched the car. He just couldn't even stand seeing her. Chuck sat next to him and the other three were on the back seet. Ride was silent. There weren't any croats yet. He parked the car in the middle of the road and got out. Raul didn't like it.

"What the hell Dean? You are expecting us to walk there?" he asked angrily.

"Umm, yeah. Damn well I am expecting you to walk there. Did you really think that I was gonna drive your ass to the market? NO. The streets are crawling with croats" Dean was quiet but his voice was angry and threatening.

"Thats exactly what I'm talking about. We cant walk here!" Raul shouted.

"Keep your voice down." Cas warned him. Dean mentally thanked him.

"Okay yes sorry but don't you think it's reckless? and stupid? not to mention completely dangerous?!" He turned to Cas and walk torwards him. He was still shouting. Dean wanted to punch him in the face but instead, he grabbed Raul's arm an pulled him away from Cas. He placed him hand to Raul's mouth and slammed him to the car. This reminded something. A memory with Cas.

"Listen to me. Stop shouting or I swear to god I will rip out tounge and step on it. Keep your fucking voice down, you understand?" he whispered menacingly. Raul nodded in fear.  
"I know the streets are dangerous and I know that we can't use them. But we can't use the cars either. So... we are gonna move from building to building until we are there. So before you question my orders, I suggest you listen to them first. Are we clear?" he took his hand away from Raul's mouth.

"Y-yes. Good plan." Raul said. He was scared but still angry.

"Let's go then." Dean said moving to the nearest building. Everybody followed him. He was always on the front. Cas behind him, Chuck, Risa and others following.

They were so quiet and so cautious. They were in the sixth building when Cas stopped. Dean didn't notice that but he heard Chuck. "What? What happened? Why did you stop?" Chuck whispered. 

"Someone is crying" Cas said. Brows furrowed. Concentrated.

"Well good for them we gotta move" Dean hissed. They were wasting time.

"No he is right Dean. Can't you hear?" Risa asked, taking a step forward.

"It's a child." Cas said. Dean glared at him. "We have to find her."

"No, we don't Cas, we have to get the supplies we need and get the fuck out of here." Dean whispered.

"You are right." He said simply. "Keep going find what we need. I'm gonna grab the kid." God, Dean could punch him right now.

"What the hell are you talking about Cas? We never split up during a run. You hear me? You don't even know why the kid is crying? You don't even know that if it IS a kid. It could be a croat for all we know." Dean whispered angrily. Taking a step forward.

"And it could be a normal kid, who's been afraid and crying for help. Who could be hurt " Cas said and walked. 

Before Dean coul protest he was gone.


	2. You are all that matters

Dean took a deep breath. Great. Now he was separated from Cas. His hands started shaking. Maybe he should have gone after him. It wasn’t like a kid would survive this shit all alone! There was no way that was just a normal kid crying. He didn’t move for a minute. He needed to be sure that Cas was going to be okay. Dean looked at Chuck with hope.

“I will tell you If I see anything, okay?” Chuck said. “But I’m only a few minutes ahead of you guys” Apperently he was concerned too. Chuck and Cas had been always really close. They were friends. Well Cas once died to protect him right? Chuck was a fricking prophet and Cas was an ex-angel of the lord. Of course they were friends. Dean nodded and took another deep breath. Why was he panicing? Cas was a grown man, he could take care of himself. But then again, so was Sammy.

“Stupid bastard” Dean muttered to himself before keep moving. The kid was still crying though. He focused on the task at hand not on Cas. He reminded himself that this mission was important. They needed water and bread and beer too of course. They were moving slowly. Guns ready. Back door to back door. Moving in silence. One more building and they were there.  
The market was small but it had everything they needed. It was the nearest market and They have been coming here since February. There were five or six croats when they got in but they took care of them. Every one of them got what they needed personally and then they got what they needed for the group. Dean was looking at pies when he saw Chuck’s eyes.

Chuck’s eyes were fixed on the floor. They were wide open but hid brows were furrowed. He looked terrified. His fists were clenched. And he was shaking. Dean rushed to his side, trying to get his attention. He snapped his fingers a few times. Chuck looked up to him immediately. He opened his mouth to say something but then closed it again. Dean knew this was about Cas. He raised his brows, waiting.

“The girl is a croat. And it is a trap. They knew we were coming today. That was a trap. For you. But you weren’t the one who fell into it” Chuck said. His voice was shaking.

Of course. It was a trap alright. He knew it! Shit. He wished he was the one who fell into it right now. He had to move fast. He had to find Cas. “Where is he?”

“There” Chuck pointed a grey building that looked like a school. And it was big. Shit. He had a few minutes to find Cas given Chuck’s earlier information. Dean ran towards to building. He heard Chuck following him. Risa was there too, but only to stop him. She stopped in front of him and pushed him away from the building. Dean tried to push her but she wasn’t the only one. Joaquin and Raul were holding him too. Each grabbed one of his arms tightly.

“Are you crazy? You are gonna get yourself killed. It’s a fucking trap Dean! Look I know okay. I’m sorry about Cas but we need to go. Before we get killed too” Dean wanted to punch her. He wanted to throw her into the building exchange for Cas. He could kill anyone to save him right now. Cas was all he had left. Yes they didn’t get along very well. And it was mostly sex, but Cas was everything to him now. The only thing from his past. Only thing that Dean would sacrifice himself for. He realized this now.  
Before he could do anything Chuck push Risa out of the way and Dean freed himself from Joaquin and Raul. He started running again. When they got into the building, he looked at Chuck gratefully. Dean realized that having a prophet in your team was awesome. Even If they know who you have been screwing. 

“Thanks Chuck” he said in a hurry. He was still worried and really angry. If Cas was here right now he could punch and kick him. Chuck nodded and lead him to a hallway. This place was a school. There were papers on the floor and The rooms they were passing by were classrooms. Dean heard a grunt. Cas was fighting. He wasn’t far away though. Dean forced his legs to move faster.

They found him in a big classroom. There were five croats in front of him. His gun was on the floor. He looked tired. His lips were bleeding and his right brow was cut. He looked scared and threatening at the same time. When he saw Dean he let out a sigh of relief. Dean walk towards a croat and punched him. Croat kicked his knee and caused him to fall. Dean saw a bloody knife in croats hand. He pushed the croat down and reached for his gun. He shot three croats. And Chuck managed to to kill the rest of them. That was actually easy. At least he thought it was until he saw Cas was bleeding from his gut, hands on his wound.

“Cas!” Dean rushed to him. Cas looked at him but didn’t say anything. He was still standing so that was a good thing right?

“I’m okay. ” Cas sighed in pain. “It didn’t go that deep” He looked at Dean again with confused eyes. As if he was wondering why Dean was so worried. Oh, he had no idea…

“What the hell were you thinking Cas?! Don’t you ever do that again. Don’t ignore my orders! Or I swear I will stab you myself next time!” Dean shouted. Cas winched but Dean didn’t care. He was focusing on Cas’ wound. “You are fine. Be a big boy and follow us. And don’t-” He shook his head and walked out of the door. He knew they were following him. 

“You got him?” Risa asked. Trying so hard to look worried. Dean didn’t respond. He kept moving. Risa saw Cas and sighed. “I’ll take that as a yes, then”

They killed few more croats before going back. Everybody was tense. Risa insisted to ride with Cas. They were on the back seat. Chuck was holding Cas and Risa was looking at his wound. Not touching. Then she asked something that really pissed Dean off.

“Did they bleed on you?” She asked. Dean felt his whole body tense. He didn’t really think about that possibility before. But he knew that Cas would tell him. He would insist to stay behind. And Dean wouldn’t leave him alone. He would stay with him until the very end. But he didn’t need to think or worry about that. Not right now, anyway.

“No.” Cas said simply. But he looked scared. Risa noticed that.

“Are you sure? Why would we trust you?” Risa ask with a careful voice. Like she would be more than happy to help him if necessary.

“He would tell us if they did. He wouldn’t even leave that building.” Dean answered from the drivers seat. His eyes were on the road but he still looked threatening and protective. He saw Cas raising his brows in disbelief. 

“And how would you know that?”

“Because he is a selfless, stubborn son of a bitch, that’s how!” he raised his voice. Cas chuckled. Seriously though, Cas went to hell for him. Yes it was an order but still… Cas died for him. So he could stop Sammy from killing Lilith. 

“They didn’t have enough time to do so. Our fearless leader stopped them.” Cas mocked. Dean smiled because even though he was hurt and bleeding, Cas was still making jokes and laughing. Apparently he was fine. Dean relaxed. He liked the fact that Cas thought of him as fearless. But he was actually really afraid. He knew that they were both going to die before their time. He just selfishly wanted to die first. Because he couldn’t stand losing his family anymore. He wanted this to end. He wanted to stop worrying all the time. But there was only one way out of all this.

“Whatever.” Risa mumbled. Noticing the glare Dean gave her. Dean knew that Risa was well aware of his relationship with Cas. And he was well aware of her interest. But she was just a woman. A woman he could have fucked. But Cas- even though he thought Dean just cared about the sex- has always been something different. Something not as simple as sex and not as complicating as love. It was way deeper than that. And way more painful.


	3. You are keeping me alive

“I hope you are not expecting me to have sex with you tonight, because that would be a huge disappointment.” Cas said when Dean was cleaning his wound. It didn’t need stitching. It wasn’t a deadly wound. Dean furrowed and looked up to Cas. 

“Yeah well if I wanted to fuck you, I would have fucked you by now.” Dean said. 

“Oh boy.” Cas said half serious. “You really are something.”

What did he mean by that? Dean stared at him. Cas wasn’t smiling. In fact he was serious. He tilted his head to his side and for a moment he was old Cas. The Cas who saved Dean from the pit. The Cas who rebelled heaven for him. The Cas who left his family for him. The Cas Dean really missed. But this was Dean’s fault wasn’t it. All of it. He couldn’t stop Sammy from killing Lilith. He broke the first seal. And didn’t say yes to Micheal when he had the chance. What happened to Cas was his fault. But Cas was still here by his side. Not even blaming him. In fact he was defending him. But Dean didn’t deserve that. Cas should have been running away from him. 

“Could you not move!” Dean said and closed the wound. Cas was stubborn though. He got up and pulled Dean up too. His hands were resting on Dean’s hips. Then he rubbed Dean’s cock through his jeans. Dean gently pushed him away.

“Dude, you just got stabbed.” Dean said. “Go to bed or take pain killers or something. ”

“Can’t get it up, huh?” Cas dared him. Usually that worked because it usually aroused Dean. Usually.

“Sleep, Cas” Dean said. But Cas held his forearms and forced him to look at him.

“Right. You come here whenever you want and just bend me over and fuck me. Not even looking my face. But when I need it you just reject me? You are as badass as you think you are Winchester.” Cas said with angry eyes and looked at Dean. Expecting an answer.

Dean didn’t know what to say. But he understood what Cas tried to say. Dean was an asshole. Cas had every right to think that way.

“You know what? I don’t need you to get what I need.” Cas said. Hurt evident in his voice. “Get out.”

“What the hell does that mean? ” Dean growled. But he already knew the answer. 

“You are not the only one with a cock. Get out!” Cas threw him out. Slamming the door behind him.

Dean just stood there. Not knowing what to do. This was wrong. Really wrong. Cas was going to fuck with some guy? Just some guy? With that wound? Dean’s stomach clenched at the thought. Cas was human now. He was vulnerable. More than he has ever been. And he wanted to invite some guy to fuck him? He could get hurt. No one would touch him like Dean. And Dean didn’t want anyone else to touch him. Great. Now he was both jealous and worried.

He opened the door and stormed in. Hoping to find calmer Cas. But just froze when he saw something he had never seen. He swallowed. W- was Cas… crying? “Cas?”

He walked slowly towards him. He felt like dick now. But he didn’t sit next to him he just stood there. “Cas? Come on man, y- you… why are you crying?”

“Because you don’t want me.” Cas said. He was still sobbing.

“I- I don’t want you?! What gives you the right to say that?” Dean asked. How could Cas even think that?

“You don’t need me the way I need you Dean! I am not an angel anymore, and I am certainly not human! I don’t know what I am. The world is ending and I don’t know who I am! All I know is that you are still here and I still love you. And that is everything for me OK? You are everything to me! Do you know why I don’t kill myself every day? Do you know why I keep living in this shit? Because it’s the end of times and I can’t leave you. I can’t let anything hurt you. I am here to make sure you are okay even if I am not. I am here to make you feel better. Even if it means meaningless sex. I would let you fucking kill me if it would make you feel better.” Cas said. Still crying and shaking. His hands are holding Dean’s forearm tightly. 

Dean couldn’t move. Did Cas just told him that he loved him? Dean leaned closer and pressed his lips against Cas’ salty ones. Even after all that sex, they’d never kissed. Cas broke the kiss and let go of Dean. Dean knew he needed to say something now. 

“I need you more than you think Cas. I need you to show me what’s really important. I need you to show me what keeps me alive. I need you to kiss me and hold me. I need you to look me in the eye and tell me that you love me. I need you to touch me. I need you Cas. I just do. I know it’s a poor excuse for my behavior but I just need you and I need you to see that. I need you to see that you are the only thing I have left, only hope. I need you to see what you mean to me. I need you to see that you are the only thing that keeps me from falling apart. Keeps me from giving up.” Dean said. His eyes were burning and his heart was beating so fast that it was hurting his chest. He was breathless.

Cas stopped crying. His eyes were wide with surprise. Like he couldn’t believe what he had just heard. Then is expression changed to something more close to happiness. “You love me?” he asked. Still not believing.

Dean smiled. “I would have gotten rid of you a long time ago if I didn’t love you.” 

“Waow, that was the most touching thing I’ve ever heard” Cas mocked.

“Shut up I’m trying to open up to you, moron” Dean said and Cas smiled. “So yes I love you. I’ve always loved you. Why do you think I keep coming back to you every night?”

“To fuck me” 

“To be with you. And besides fucking keeps me sane okay? Don’t judge me.”

“Yeah it keeps me same to.”

They kissed again. Only this time it was more intimate. More loving. Maybe the world was ending. Maybe Sam was gone. Maybe Cas wasn’t an angel anymore. Maybe Bobby was dead. Maybe they were really close to the end. But at that moment when they locked their lips together, they forgot all those things and focused on each other. They could worry about all that later.

“You wanna get sane?” Cas asked. He wiggled his brows. His eyes were bright again. Okay maybe not angelic bright but still very special.

“Hmmm… yeah. I could use that right now.” Dean mumbled and sat on the couch. Cas sat next to him and their lips met again. “How are you feeling?” Dean asked between breaths.

“Hurts, but I’ll live.” Cas answeres with honesty and grabbed Dean’s cock with his hand. He started stroking fast but still kinda slow. Dean moaned loudly.

“Yeah, you better.” Dean said before grabbing Cas’s cock and stronking him fast and rough. Cas smirked and fastened his stroke.  
Dean leaned and kissed him again. It was messy but beautiful. Because when he broke the kiss Cas whispered “I love you” to his ear. He placed his head on Cas’s shoulder and came with a loud moan. Cas followed him moments later. 

They kissed again after their glorious orgasms and stayed like that for a while. Dean opened his arms and Cas hugged him. Rested his head on Dean’s chest.

“I thought you didn’t like cuddling.” Cas whispered after a while.

“Shut up.” Dean said simply and Cas laughed again. He lifted his head to kiss Dean and Dean kissed him again. “Hey Cas?”

“Hmm?”

“Don’t get hurt again. I’ll kill you if you do.”

“Okay Dean.”


End file.
